So, I’ve embarked—on the good ship Self-Employment. I staged a cubicle coup and left the confines of the 9 to 5 (or, in my case, the 8:30 to 5, with a half hour for lunch).

You may think it’s all rainbows and sleeping in. You may picture me shuffling about in my bathrobe until sometime just before noon, when I finally clean myself up enough to go out for coffee before settling in for a strenuous 4 hour work day. But you would be wrong. I work just as hard, if not harder, than I did before I liberated my soul.

However.

There are some days—not many, but certainly a few—when I just can’t seem to get it together to manage my time properly. I dawdle. I waffle. I’ll use just about any word I can think of that ends in ‘le’ just to not have to think about it. I’ve made lists only to ignore them. I’ve set priorities only to re-prioritize them over and over until they no longer even make sense.

So, what does one do in this situation? There’s lots of advice on this from any number of productivity gurus, everything from making promises to others so you’ll make good, to delegating, to creating mini-milestones. For me, no amount of shame is too great to tolerate and no amount of joy found in having the opportunity to boss someone else around for a change is enough to make me productive. The only thing that works for me is: pick one thing. Then do it. Until it’s done. Then be happy with that. And move on. If you’re anything like me, chances are you’ll be so chuffed with yourself at having done something—anything—that you’ll do something else as well. And if not, at least the whole day wasn’t a wash.

I’d like to bring your attention to a crippling disorder that is afflicting millions of North Americans every day. It’s called DOA–Delayed Onset Adulthood. You’ve probably never heard of it, but neither have 99% of the people who are suffering from this heartbreaking disease.

DOA is a spectrum disorder that most commonly strikes men and women between the ages of 25 and 40. Its symptoms, which range in severity from only occasionally noticeable to completely debilitating, are varied. Some DOA sufferers are incapable of self-regulating or of making even the simplest decisions on their own without checking in with their entire Facebook or blog cohort; others have completely lost perspective on reality, preferring instead to continue to believe they are as special as their parents told them they are, and that they will indeed eventually become the next big thing on the indie music scene despite the fact that they work in an office and haven’t touched their Casio keyboard in over 18 months, and then only to look for some rolling papers.

But there is a cure. A simple procedure, called a cranio-rectal extraction, relieves virtually all symptoms of DOA. So if you or someone you love is suffering from DOA, don’t hesitate. Call now. We can help. 1-888-HEAD-OUT.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by FUCUP (Federation for Underachievers Coping with Unrealized Potential).

Worker: “I won’t be coming in to work tomorrow. I need to attend a funeral.”
Boss: “How will you be making up the time?”
Worker: “Wow.”
BB King: “”The thrill is gone, baby…”

There’s a certain quiet euphoria that comes from the realization that you no longer give a fuck–an almost preternatural calm as all the barbs and jagged edges melt away into the soft curve of apathy.

Not to be mistaken with nihilism, this kind of apathy doesn’t prevent one from doing a good job or from caring about the impact on other people. It simply means that the burden of, well, giving it too much thought is lifted. The impact is lessened. For those tender folk who take too much on, who believe themselves somehow responsible even for things that are beyond their control, this realization is a truly amazing occurrence. Where one was previously unable to muster up a smile in the face of senselessness, or was unable to accept that there were certain things that could not be changed by sheer force of will, suddenly there is peace. Stress dissipates, the clouds part, and everything is fine. Just fine thank you.