Posts Tagged: heavy things

States — No Comments
28
May 09

Between Bones

I’ve often heard that if you put your trust in the universe, good things will happen. For the most part, I’ve always viewed that idea as a little too ‘rainbows and unicorns’ for me. But there’s also something very compelling about it. You mean, if i take the lazy way out, things will work out for me anyway? Sweet! But I don’t think being lazy is what’s intended. What’s really going on here is a friendly reminder to not worry about things over which you have no control anyway.

So, with that in mind, I’ve been attempting to carry out my life in such a way that I don’t worry about all the things that normally get to me: the rude or insensitive comments, what appears to be a population imbued with a giant sense of entitlement, the external pressures to be a certain way or to achieve certain things. Instead, I decided to only offer my precious brain power to the service of working on things I can control: keeping a positive attitude, fulfillment of wishes and dreams, helping out friends.

And as soon as I did, something weird happened. I got a phone call that would change things for me. It felt great. I was elated. I thought to myself: That was just what I needed. But after a while, when the initial excitement wore off, I started feeling anxious and not at all sure. Things weren’t really meshing with my original plan. I got another phone call. And the situation rectified itself. I was off the hook.

I started to attribute this to the universe, I have to admit. Sometimes she just throws you a bone, I thought, and I’ve been between bones for quite some time. And while I normally believe I make my own “luck,” such as it is, it’s tempting, and sometimes even pleasant, to believe you’re being cared for by something else.

People — 1 Comment
14
Apr 09

Public Service Announcement – The Heartbreak of DOA

I’d like to bring your attention to a crippling disorder that is afflicting millions of North Americans every day. It’s called DOA–Delayed Onset Adulthood. You’ve probably never heard of it, but neither have 99% of the people who are suffering from this heartbreaking disease.

DOA is a spectrum disorder that most commonly strikes men and women between the ages of 25 and 40. Its symptoms, which range in severity from only occasionally noticeable to completely debilitating, are varied. Some DOA sufferers are incapable of self-regulating or of making even the simplest decisions on their own without checking in with their entire Facebook or blog cohort; others have completely lost perspective on reality, preferring instead to continue to believe they are as special as their parents told them they are, and that they will indeed eventually become the next big thing on the indie music scene despite the fact that they work in an office and haven’t touched their Casio keyboard in over 18 months, and then only to look for some rolling papers.

But there is a cure. A simple procedure, called a cranio-rectal extraction, relieves virtually all symptoms of DOA. So if you or someone you love is suffering from DOA, don’t hesitate. Call now. We can help. 1-888-HEAD-OUT.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by FUCUP (Federation for Underachievers Coping with Unrealized Potential).

States — No Comments
24
Nov 08

Why I Have Not Written Any of My Blog Posts

My loyal readers (both of you, bless your hearts) are likely wondering where the Hello Kitty I’ve been lately.

I’d like to say “I’ve been busy” but it’s simply not true. However, here’s a list of 10 other possible reasons I haven’t been posting*:

  1. The vagaries of the internet have eluded me. (Please disregard the fact that I email/FB/Twitter with some degree of regularity [read: obsessively]).
  2. The internet was broken.
  3. My computer was broken.
  4. I was broken.
  5. In a cruel and freakish twist of fate, I lost my fingers in a horrific accident concerning some frozen poultry, a roll of undeveloped film, 6 Laotian khaen players and a bowl of lentil soup.
  6. I have been trapped under something heavy with only my mobile phone, which for some reason I did not use to call for help, to amuse me.
  7. Plagued with crippling “performance anxiety” I was unable to publish for fear of alienating/disturbing/amusing/acting as a mirror to your enfeebled sense of humanity/boring my two dedicated readers.
  8. Someone switched the keys on my keyboard so that everything I endeavored to type appeared to be the garbled ramblings of a drunk. Wait a minute…
  9. I was drunk.
  10. A garden gnome stole my password.

*Disclaimer: The listed reasons may or may not be true, either when taken as a whole or in part. The Noun accepts no liability for the content of this blog post, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless the information is subsequently confirmed in writing. Even if said information were to be subsequently confirmed in writing, you’d have to make a pretty compelling argument for me to give a flying flange about the entire godforsaken affair. Garden gnomes, Laotian Khaen players, and heavy things notwithstanding, what you read here is pretty much your problem. I mean, you’re not one of those people who need the “Caution. This beverage is hot!” warnings, are you? You are, aren’t you!? Ugh.