Posts Tagged: booze

People — 1 Comment
14
Apr 09

Public Service Announcement – The Heartbreak of DOA

I’d like to bring your attention to a crippling disorder that is afflicting millions of North Americans every day. It’s called DOA–Delayed Onset Adulthood. You’ve probably never heard of it, but neither have 99% of the people who are suffering from this heartbreaking disease.

DOA is a spectrum disorder that most commonly strikes men and women between the ages of 25 and 40. Its symptoms, which range in severity from only occasionally noticeable to completely debilitating, are varied. Some DOA sufferers are incapable of self-regulating or of making even the simplest decisions on their own without checking in with their entire Facebook or blog cohort; others have completely lost perspective on reality, preferring instead to continue to believe they are as special as their parents told them they are, and that they will indeed eventually become the next big thing on the indie music scene despite the fact that they work in an office and haven’t touched their Casio keyboard in over 18 months, and then only to look for some rolling papers.

But there is a cure. A simple procedure, called a cranio-rectal extraction, relieves virtually all symptoms of DOA. So if you or someone you love is suffering from DOA, don’t hesitate. Call now. We can help. 1-888-HEAD-OUT.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by FUCUP (Federation for Underachievers Coping with Unrealized Potential).

States — 1 Comment
24
Mar 09

Erm… Yeah…

It’s been a while since I’ve written a halfway decent post. It seems March has been the month of hiding out.

Normally I’m all about hibernation after the holiday season, but normally snap out of it at the end of Inuary (for those uninitiated, this is the two week period following New Years during which introverts need not speak with or otherwise engage with other humans). By the time February rolls around, I’m ready to rock and/or roll once more. But this year was different. Like the office-dwelling mouse, I’ve made furtive forays out into the open to make grabs at stray doughnut crumbs, but find myself scurrying for cover until the humans have all left for the evening.

So, you can imagine how thrilled I was last week when a colleague taught me the American Sign Language sign for ‘awkward’. I cannot even begin to tell you how this, in just a short time, has changed my life. I’ve systematically taught the inner circle of Favorite Humans (FH) what this sign means. Now, when I make the sign to them, they know to pursue conversation/social engagement no further. Works like a charm.

FH: “How are you today?”

AM: *makes ‘awkward’ sign*

FH: “Cool. Give me a call later, k?”

You see, the awkward sign makes it all less awkward.

It’s genius.

Now, if only this had worked the other day. I met an acquaintance at the booze store whom I hadn’t seen in ages. She was completely and utterly spaced out. I was feeling oddly jovial, and teased her a little about the string of drool I’d imagined hanging from her mouth glinting in the sun. After a few moments of this, she confessed to me that the reason she was zoned out was that her thought she might be pregnant and was pondering the wisdom of buying the giant bottle of vodka her eyes has unseeingly rested upon.

AM: *makes ‘awkward’ sign*