It’s been a while since I’ve written a halfway decent post. It seems March has been the month of hiding out.

Normally I’m all about hibernation after the holiday season, but normally snap out of it at the end of Inuary (for those uninitiated, this is the two week period following New Years during which introverts need not speak with or otherwise engage with other humans). By the time February rolls around, I’m ready to rock and/or roll once more. But this year was different. Like the office-dwelling mouse, I’ve made furtive forays out into the open to make grabs at stray doughnut crumbs, but find myself scurrying for cover until the humans have all left for the evening.

So, you can imagine how thrilled I was last week when a colleague taught me the American Sign Language sign for ‘awkward’. I cannot even begin to tell you how this, in just a short time, has changed my life. I’ve systematically taught the inner circle of Favorite Humans (FH) what this sign means. Now, when I make the sign to them, they know to pursue conversation/social engagement no further. Works like a charm.

FH: “How are you today?”

AM: *makes ‘awkward’ sign*

FH: “Cool. Give me a call later, k?”

You see, the awkward sign makes it all less awkward.

It’s genius.

Now, if only this had worked the other day. I met an acquaintance at the booze store whom I hadn’t seen in ages. She was completely and utterly spaced out. I was feeling oddly jovial, and teased her a little about the string of drool I’d imagined hanging from her mouth glinting in the sun. After a few moments of this, she confessed to me that the reason she was zoned out was that her thought she might be pregnant and was pondering the wisdom of buying the giant bottle of vodka her eyes has unseeingly rested upon.

AM: *makes ‘awkward’ sign*