Qualities


25
Jun 09

Still: Vancouver, Dusk

A quiet evening spent sitting on the front step.

It rained today–a real, air-cleansing rain, one that soaks into the soil a good inch or so, leaving it spongy and clean-smelling. Now it’s stopped though, and the sky has cleared along the western horizon. But there are still places that threaten rain, where the clouds hang like wrinkled bedsheets put out on a line to dry on a still day.

I can hear the neighbors across the way unlocking their door, creaking it open; dogs and masters walk together, neither in a hurry, both smelling the air; a trolley hums by at the end of the street. Normally each of these things would steal my attention, but tonight I let them Doppler by as I sit.

I like the calm that settles in on a night like this. Though I’m in the city, I really could be anywhere. The delicate balance between content and resignation at another day’s passing has been struck. No need for deep thoughts tonight–best that they be allowed to slip in then fade like the evening sounds.

The after dusk cool sets in and the clouds start to move. Then so do I.


11
Mar 09

Just Fine, Thank You.

Worker: “I won’t be coming in to work tomorrow. I need to attend a funeral.”
Boss: “How will you be making up the time?”
Worker: “Wow.”
BB King: “”The thrill is gone, baby…”

There’s a certain quiet euphoria that comes from the realization that you no longer give a fuck–an almost preternatural calm as all the barbs and jagged edges melt away into the soft curve of apathy.

Not to be mistaken with nihilism, this kind of apathy doesn’t prevent one from doing a good job or from caring about the impact on other people. It simply means that the burden of, well, giving it too much thought is lifted. The impact is lessened. For those tender folk who take too much on, who believe themselves somehow responsible even for things that are beyond their control, this realization is a truly amazing occurrence. Where one was previously unable to muster up a smile in the face of senselessness, or was unable to accept that there were certain things that could not be changed by sheer force of will, suddenly there is peace. Stress dissipates, the clouds part, and everything is fine. Just fine thank you.


28
Jan 09

In Praise of Idling…

There are days when I have extremely vivid daydreams all day long. So much so, that when asked to remember the day, I have little to no idea of what happened.

For example, this morning while walking the dog through the park I saw a garbage bag on the ground, inflated by the wind. I imagined that inside that garbage bag was a dead body, blue and frozen from the cold (but not terribly gruesome, just so you know). In my daydream, I call in to work and say that I’ll be late, as I found a dead body and the police will want to speak with me for several hours. (Though, why it would take several hours is beyond me. Such are the meanderings of my mind.) Upon letting my boss know the circumstances of my tardiness, I was promptly notified that I was fired. I then proceeded for the next five minutes to postulate whether or not someone could actually be fired for that sort of thing, and were it not to be legal, what would be the recourse, and if it was legal, what, exactly, would I do?

And so it goes, all day long. I make things up, something else shiny catches my attention, and off I go on another tangent. As you can imagine, it is very productive.

I’ve looked at productivity websites, I’ve researched and applied the techniques that are supposed to turn you and your nasty procrastinating ways around–MITs (Most Important Things), doing the worst first, makings lists, giving myself rewards, breaking tasks down, building tasks up, uninterruptible periods of work time and daily goals—all with the glorious result of: nada. I got nothin’. At least nothing more than I would’ve gotten done without all the productivity proselytizing.

Someone once proposed to me that perhaps I was actually especially productive, and could get more things done in a shorter period of time than the average person. And while it’s true that sometimes I am capable of remarkable exploits of seemingly laser-guided concentration, it is also true that I am equally capable of mind-boggling feats of complete and utter mental absence. I think what it comes down to is that I’d rather be daydreaming.

Back in Olde Tymes, there was an entire class of people who were free to idle the day away in reverie. Idlers, slackers, layabouts, and dandies. Sure, no one really liked them much, especially the people who worked, but they did it anyway. And I, for one, commend them for their courage. Yes, I said it: courage. Who else would be able, in the face of being shunned and humiliated by society at large, pursue their daydreaming, and wear their badge proudly? Who else would sit idle while others toiled and sweated around them, conjuring up cockamamie schemes to further avoid labour? Only a true daydreamer, that’s who.

The chosen few, who, when asked “What the hell are you doing?!” proudly rise up and say, “Huh? I wasn’t paying attention.’


8
Jan 09

Resolution, Schmesolution…

The beginning of a new year always seems a weighty, serious time. People have just come off of spending too much time with family, or friends who are just like family, making all of life’s imperfections more poignant and obvious. Despite the cheerful holiday demeanor and good times, a lot of dissatisfaction with the status quo bubbles and roils its way to the surface. In response, resolutions are made. Diets and fitness regimes are initiated, the buds of new habits are formed, cigarettes are shunned, spiritual growth is embarked upon, new jobs are sought. Often, by the end of January chocolate sneaks back into the meal plan, old jobs once again seem not so bad, and spiritual growth reverts to spiritual shrinking or at least stasis.

Now that we’re officially an entire week into the month of January (and almost a week into the festival of Inuary) I’ve had a little time to reflect on how I feel about resolutions. One side of the resolution coin is that the beginning of a new year is a like a new start, a symbolic way of starting afresh. It’s a period of collective reflection and relative calm, during which we can all get our shit together.

The other side of that coin is that New Year’s resolutions are yet another form of pressure, and a not-so-friendly reminder of all the work you have to do before you believe you are the fully actualized, perfectly delightful person you know resides at your very core. I would hardly say I’m anti-self improvement. On the contrary, I think anytime is a good time to start developing healthy habits and making positive change. I’m just saying that when we focus on what we’re doing wrong, we’re spending a lot less time doing things right. Benchmarking and positive reinforcement: good. Deriding ourselves up and comparing: bad.

So, for all those of us who beat ourselves up for sneaking a cigarette or chocolate, for getting a little too drunk, for hating Monday (through Friday), for forgoing Pilates class to have a burger and beer with our love, I say this: get off the resolution wagon, and catch a ride on the close-to-the-ground, slow moving and amply padded gentleness wagon. It’s more fun over here anyway.